For Those Who Are Struggling

I wrote this blog in January of 2008, about 7 months after I started my weight loss journey.  I hope that it will be an encouragement to someone today!

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For all of my friends who are struggling to stay on plan right now, I wish I could give you a big hug!   My heart goes out to everyone who’s struggling, because I have SO been there!  

Every last diet I’ve been on for the past twenty years ended in failure because I wasn’t able to stay focused.  “Life” happened over and over again and I reached to my old friend, food, for comfort.  And that “friend” was always there with soothing words, assuring me that yes, this piece of chocolate or this bag of chips or these cookies or whatever would absolutely make me feel better.  And it did, for just a few minutes.  Then the guilt about what I’d just eaten would replace the comfort I’d just gotten, and food would again say, “Having some bad feelings right now?  Just eat this and those bad feelings will all go away.”  And the cycle would continue over and over again. 

OR I would feel that I “deserved” to eat this or that because I had been SO good on my diet, or because I’d had such a tough day. 

I have always been a “live in the moment” kind of person, so long-range thinking is not something I do naturally.  I am embarrassed to admit that I am very much into instant gratification (my dad used to often say that “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”), so eating what I wanted at any given moment was always more satisfying than NOT eating it and waiting for the reward sometime down the road (i.e., weight loss). 

Given my dieting history and multiple failures over the past twenty years, I wasn’t particularly hopeful that THIS time would be any different for me.  I am more surprised than anyone that it HAS been successful so far, actually far more successful that I could have ever imagined.  Most surprising of all is that in seven months of being on plan, I haven’t cheated once.  I’m amazed even as I type that!  There is no pride in saying this, only amazement.  I am well aware that Proverbs 16:18 says, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.”  I’m not saying that I will never cheat, and I’m certainly not saying that it’s not possible, because I know how easy it would be for me to go off plan. 

But something HAS changed in my thinking over these past 7 months.  I’m sharing this for those who are new on Take Shape for Life/Medifast and wondering if eventual cheating is inevitable.  I’m also sharing this to hopefully encourage some of my friends. 

When I placed my first order, I was seriously considering weight loss surgery.  This surgery isn’t covered by my insurance, so financing options would have included a second mortgage on my house – I was that desperate.  I had been diagnosed in September of 2005 with Type II diabetes and I knew that my obesity was a contributing factor, along with a strong family history.  After my diagnosis, I went on a diet and lost a little over 30 pounds, dropped two sizes and gave away all of my bigger clothes.  My glucose levels dropped (I never was on medication) and I thought I had FINALLY figured “it” out.  I got pretty cocky and over-confident (forgot about that verse in Proverbs!) and ended up falling flat on my face.  By last June, I had gained back almost all of the weight I’d lost and had gone back up those two sizes.  Going shopping once again for pants in size 24W/3X was incredibly depressing.  Traveling with my daughter to Phoenix, the Grand Canyon and Sedona was fun but frustrating because my clothes were tight and my energy level sucked. 

Last June I attended a Grand Rounds lecture by a bariatric surgeon at the hospital where I work.  He was talking to physicians about the after care of patients who’d undergone bariatric surgery, but he also spent some talking about all of the health risks associated with obesity.  I sat in the back of the room and wanted to crawl under the table—I was miserable!  It was immediately after that lecture that I began researching weight loss surgery options, and that’s when I came across information on Take Shape for Life/Medifast.

Because of the cost, I had to think long and hard before I ordered it.  I had to really, honestly ask myself if I thought I could really stay on a diet for a month, and I decided I had to try.  I promised my husband—and myself—that I would give the program an honest try for four weeks, then re-evaluate.  I spent a lot of time on the MyTSFL/MyMedifast discussion boards and was really inspired and encouraged by people here, and I began to hope that perhaps this really would be the tool to release me from twenty years of obesity.  I printed out recipes and put them in a binder, I copied every hint I could find on how to succeed on this program, and I got started.

The fact that, once I got into fat burning, I have feel wonderful and am NOT hungry has been a bit part of me staying on plan.  I don’t want to go through the “getting into fat burning” misery again, and I haven’t found any food yet that’s been worth the miserable headache I had for the better part of two days.  Someone had posted that it would take a minimum of three days and 15 Medifast meals to get back into fat burning once we’re out, and at $2/meal, that meant any deviation would cost me a minimum of $30, and I haven’t come across a brownie or anything else that’s worth $30 to me.

But it’s more than feeling good and not wanting to waste $30 that’s kept me on track so far.  I really do view this time on plan as a short season in my life—it is NOT the rest of my life!  I have wasted twenty years struggling with obesity and being on one continual diet (or feeling guilty that I SHOULD be on one) and I’m sick of it.  I want this weight loss season to be my very LAST one, and I want it to be as short as possible.  I have been tempted many times to go off plan, but the thought that my going off plan could extend this weight loss season by a single day has been enough to stop me in my tracks.  I don’t want to spend another day overweight that I don’t have to!  I want to get on with the rest of my life!! 

My time is in the Lord’s hands and I don’t know how many years He has planned for me, but I do NOT want to die prematurely of something as preventable as obesity.  With God’s help, I will NOT die of obesity.  I am no longer diabetic (according to my doctor!), my cholesterol is normal WITHOUT meds, and my blood pressure is also perfect, also without meds.  At this moment, I am 55 and HEALTHY!

I also stay on plan because I’m scared to death to go off plan.  I’ve read a lot of posts on the MyTSFL recommitment board and on the blogs from people who got off and are really struggling to get back and stay on—some are recommitting for the 3^rd and 4^th time.  I love the fact that they continue to pick themselves up and try again, but it scares me. I’ve failed so many times in the past and I’m afraid that if I go off plan and get myself completely out of fat burning, whatever “clicked” in my brain will “click off” and I won’t be able to get my head back in the game.

So I’m gritting my teeth when necessary and staying on plan.  It isn’t always fun, and sometimes I’m absolutely sick of doing this, but I committed to doing what I know I need to do, regardless of how I feel.  I don’t want to live with regrets, wondering how things might have been different for me if only I’d been able to lose the weight.

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That was written a little over five years ago.  I could NOT have imagined at that point in time just how much my life would change - all for the better!  I stayed on plan and reached my goal on May 22, 2008 and I have never regretted for one second the decision I made to get healthy.  It wasn't always easy, but it was worth it!  Make the decision, then choose wisely :-)