Yesterday morning I was at my oldest daughter's house and she proudly showed me her latest digital photo album that she just received in the mail. The album was filled with pictures of her twins (now 3-1/2) and chronicled most of their activities and adventures in 2009. Because we're privileged to spend a fair amount of time with my daughter and her family, there were a number of pictures in the album of my husband and me with the children.
Two pictures of me that completely caught me off guard, however, were candid photos of me in a swimsuit! The pictures were taken last fall at our local aquatic center and I had NO idea she took any pictures of me until I saw them in the book. I was amazed as I looked at the pictures, because, first of all, I looked happy in the photos. I didn't know my picture was being taken, but there I was, in a public place in a swimsuit, having fun with my grandchildren! And she has a couple of pictures to prove it! That's so amazing to me because I avoided swimsuits in public like the plague for over two decades as I struggled with morbid obesity. I was miserable in my body and just refused to wear a swimsuit anyplace other than at the lake cottage we rent every summer (with a private beach). Three or four years ago, there is absolutely no way I would have been at a public place in a swimsuit. Perhaps it was false pride, and I'm not saying it was the right thing to do, but I was embarrassed about my body and so self-conscious that it would have been all but impossible for me to have been able to just have a good time while wearing a swimsuit in public. I missed out on a lot of things because of that - skipped going to water parks even though they looked like fun, didn't go to pool parties that friends invited us to - lots of missed opportunities because I was so embarrassed about my weight.
After losing 126 pounds, my body certainly isn't perfect (I'll get a perfect one in Heaven someday!), but it's healthy and I've been able to accept and embrace the body that I have. Going to the aquatic center with my grandchildren (and we've actually gone several times!) was a huge milestone for me. I know it was very freeing to go there for the first time and finally not feel self-conscious about how I looked in a swimsuit - I was able to just have fun and enjoy my grandchildren. Seeing the photos of myself at the aquatic center was just another reminder of how much my life has changed in the past three years. I'm so thankful!
In addition to being amazed at how relaxed and happy I looked in the pictures - wearing a swimsuit of all things!, I was also amazed to realize that I also looked pretty good in the swimsuit! I'll be 58 in a couple of weeks, so thankfully the photo wasn't a close-up of my, ahem, less-than-firm thighs, but from a distance, I looked pretty good in the pictures!
Even more than two years since reaching goal, it's still surprising for me to see a picture of myself and look at a thin person with my face. Seeing a thin person in a swimsuit with my face is something I'm still wrapping my brain around :-)
This is still a journey for me, not only to fine tune maintenance, but to also finish aligning my head with my body. I don't always "see" the new me when I look in the mirror. I don't see the old me anymore, but my vision is still a bit distorted at times. If it's true that pictures don't lie (and providing no one has gotten to them with Photoshop!), the pictures of me in my daughter's album show somebody with my face who's at a healthy weight and having a good time, completely unselfconscious, in a swimsuit. Amazing.
That realization makes all of the choices that I've had to make, and that I have to continue to make, worth it all. All kinds of things will flow out of the choices we make today. Choose wisely :-)
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